Groundless?

...I'm working on it. 

Rooftop Fireworks, how New York. 

This notion of groundlessness is much harder to accept and embrace than it sounds (especially in personal relationships). The UN was an amazing experience from which I tremendously grew professionally and personally; it also gave me an excuse to move to NYC, which has been equally as incredible- it seems that things just keep falling into place. Throughout my time at UNDP and in NYC (despite the emotional roller coasters and love-hate relationship I seem to have formed) I felt as if I were exactly where I was supposed to be, doing what I should be doing. It's a great feeling; I was really embracing the freedom of trusting the process, trusting my instincts, trusting that I was living out the trajectory I am meant to be on. But I suspect I became comfortable because there was a level of certainty even within that uncertainty of "what's next": the expectation that I would likely be staying in NYC for some time longer, that I would maintain all of the new relationships I had formed, and carry on with my UN-centered life I had shaped. But that all changed very quickly when my internship ended and I (finally) submitted my thesis. I was finally faced with the beginning of the next chapter of my life- it is kind of terrifying. Where to now? How can I regain the trust and repose I felt while in college, in Costa Rica, or in NYC? I am starting to worry, stress, look for answers, trying to grab hold of something (even considering going back to San Diego…)- even when I know that’s not going to provide me with any answers and only cause unnecessary anxiety. So where to now? I am working on that; and I am making a conscious effort to have an open mind and heart because I of all people know how mysteriously, beautifully, serendipitously life can unfold.

I am sorry for leaving you, Pacific Ocean!

An example: since April I had secured a summer camp position teaching a politics course in DC with BluePrint Signature Summer Programs. I was set to leave June 29^th: I sublet my room, packed up and had plans to return to New York afterwards. Quite shockingly, a week before I was supposed to take the bus to DC I received a call that I no longer had a class to teach- and just like that all my ‘plans’ and life were tossed around. Good thing I’ve gotten good at this “going with the flow” thing. Next thing I know, I had a flight booked to LAX a week later for a similar position at UCLA, meaning I got to spend an entire stress-free, vacation-esque week in New York, including the Fourth. That was amazing! (Beach, beach, beach!) It also meant that I got more than a week in San Diego after camp was over (beach, beach, beach and so much FAMILY!). Everything worked out in such a way that it couldn’t have been planned better. I couldn’t be happier with how my summer has unfolded.

My BRILLIANT business students

         Camp was incredible. I never went to camps as a kid so being on the other side of it was pretty amazing. We had the best time EVER (for an idea of how ridiculously silly our team of 6 staff was, watch this video we made). The kids were brilliant and some of the sweetest, most awesome 16 and 17 year olds I have met. The Staff was an also an awesome group of people, I made some good memories with them outside of camp itself. Can I just say… TAKI MEOW!  SILLY STRING BEDCHECKS. SHARK ATTACKS. What an awesome three weeks. 

   

Hollywood Hike field trip

Last night with my Takis :(

SURPRISE. Happy 21st! <3

           

 Even better: I was close to home! My family! In-n-Out! Burritos. Acai Bowls. The BEACH. I had almost forgotten just how much I missed California, especially the perfect weather, everything about San Diego, and my family and friends. Needless to say, my ten-day San Diego vacation was gloriously jam-packed- family, beach, taco Tuesday, lunches, boats, friendly bouncers, more family, more beach… I was sad to leave. It is home. 

 Thankfully, I had a spectacular last day filled with typical San Diego things to tide me over until the next time (hint: began with Turquoise Coffee acai bowls, ended with In-n-Out, and had lots of pacific ocean in between). I got home at three am and left for the airport five minutes later, content to go back. I am excited to be back in NYC. This little California hiatus was extremely rejuvenating and I am confidently looking forward to whatever the next steps turn out to be! For now, I am just going to continue job-searching and applying like a madwoman, with the understanding and acceptance that whatever happens next is right where I am supposed to be. So blessed to have my family support me through this!

So here I go… entering totally unknown territory. Here’s to figuring it all out!

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment” – Marcus Aurelius

“The Buddha taught that we suffer because we cling. ‘Clinging’ is defined as ‘holding on or pushing away’ which are the same thing. Both require intense focus and energy”