Saturday, September 13, 2014

A Little Parenthesis in Eternity

I had to put on pants this morning. And a sweater. Summer rainstorms are beautiful because they are balmy and refreshing, unburdening the thick, muggy air. But late September rain? Hello, fall clothes, coffee, and pumpkin-flavored everything. My tropical blood pines for the muggy embrace of summer, but here I am living the seasons I had only heard about. Winter-spring-summer-fall-winter-spring-summer- and now back to fall. Suddenly a whole year has passed.

Another year bursting with adventures, laughter, love, beginnings, endings, heartache, experiments, beauty, tears, and growth. Especially growth. This city is best described as a grind: demanding, exhausting and insane. But you either let it crush you or you let it sharpen you. I chose the latter. I have embraced this place for all that it is and experienced the highs and the soul-crushing lows, but it has all been part of an intense inner journey to…somewhere I haven’t quite gotten to. Though I feel it’s getting closer. Despite my acute aversion to failure, I have been consciously living outside of my comfort zone for quite a while. Maybe too long now. But it has resulted in some interesting, worthwhile experiences that brought me joy, anxiety, and the full spectrum of emotions.

My life is not as tumultuous as it was this time last year. Curiously, I have found certain stability in the often-grating instability; I have settled into the groove of things. But my questions remain the same a year later: what’s next? How do I get there? What do I really want? And yet, they are of a richer quality because I’ve come to realize that they will never be fully answered. Nor do I want them to be. 

I see you, fall. The last one started me on a wild journey that left me fixated on empathy and emotions; it led me to asking “why” more frequently, and profoundly reflecting. It has intensified the way I experience life on a daily basis- I am continually observing the waxing and waning tide of feelings, accepting them and allowing them to saunter by. This includes stress, anger and frustration. But also immense gratitude, love, and bliss.

If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s how much it truly is about the journey and not the destination. The destination doesn’t even matter, and often things come “full circle,” leaving us in the same place anyway, only transformed by new experiences and perspectives. And it is a beautiful thing.

Our cosmic journey continues.


"We are travelers on a cosmic journey;
stardust, swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal.
We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.
This is a precious moment. 
It is a little parenthesis in eternity."
Unicorns and butterflies, my inspiration to live each day authentically and mindfully <3

Sunday, February 16, 2014

A Quarter Century

Twenty Five. 25. Veinticinco. I keep saying it but it still feels different on my tongue- it's heavier, grittier. There's a certain presence to it. It is unlike any other birthday of mine, where I never really felt a difference. Maybe it's because I'm officially no longer an adolescent; I'm finally a real 'adult' (thanks to the completed development of my prefrontal cortex).

An adult by society's standards (and apparently neuroscience), but finally also to myself. All my life I've felt like I was never the age I was supposed to be- until now. My 'self' has caught up to my age and role in society, and it's as if I have switched from passenger to driver. I feel in total control for probably the first time. I guess this is where life really begins for me, for I am undeniably in the 'real' world now. And it is wonderfully terrifying. 

To be completely honest, I wasn't ready to turn 25 and I wasn't content to: there is some serious dissonance between where I thought I would be by now and where I am. At some point in my early life I decided (or society told me?) that I would be in a very different place by 25- not so single, or so broke, or so...unstable. (but if I were content, would I feel complacent and dissatisfied with that complacency?) 

But I am endlessly grateful for what my life is. 

I suspect the palpable change I sense is that up until recently, I was still growing into my own skin and now I am able to just BE. From 0-22 was a chapter of discovery, and from 22-now is a chapter of clarity. The difference is subtle yet unmistakable: the former was a process of understanding and discerning my core values, fundamental beliefs, and finding my 'path'. The latter is about having a solid grasp on why I have those values, beliefs, and my path, and accepting them. 

The difference between me at 25 and me as a child/college kid is like night and day. I was floating, soaking up the world, but with little purpose. I had few strong opinions, little conviction and was easily swayed- but it makes sense: how could I be otherwise if I hadn't discovered my anchors? In the past couple of years I have found my anchors and I have this overwhelming sense of clarity. I know my path. I am solid in my opinions, assertive in my goals, and clear on what I want (and don't want) in my world. I am mindful, conscious of my ability to cultivate the life and world I WANT and envision. Discovering my anchors has given me this clarity and clarity is paramount to manifesting where I want to go.

This is not to say I have it all figured out. Far from it, in fact. But I have a notion of how I want my life to feel: fulfilling. I have no idea what this will entail, but I have something to drive me. It's exciting but terrifying- like peering over the edge of the roller coaster drop*. 

I am confident, conscious, assertive, and know what I want- out of life, relationships, a partner, work environment, etc. But this can also be frustrating since it means I am setting standards that will often be unmet. I am secure enough to know that "nothing" is better than "anything" and  I'm capable of sitting with my discomfort, sticking to my soul's mandate to find "it". This has been tough for me to execute, yet incredibly rewarding.

I guess all I'm saying is...
Find your passion. Find your path. LIVE IT. 


On my first day as a 25 year old adult, I truly believe that I am on my path and that I've surrounded myself with remarkable people for this journey. Thank you to everyone that's a part of my life. You are my inspiration, motivation, joy, sanity, support. You are the embodiment of my primary anchor: LOVE**.







* Borrowed this from Nancy ;)
** Seriously, all my favorite people have similar traits: love of life, effusiveness, worldliness, intelligence, kindness. You're all the best. <3