...I'm working on it.
Rooftop Fireworks, how New York. |
This notion of groundlessness is much harder to
accept and embrace than it sounds (especially in personal relationships). The
UN was an amazing experience from which I tremendously grew professionally and
personally; it also gave me an excuse to move to NYC, which has been equally as
incredible- it seems that things just keep falling into place. Throughout my
time at UNDP and in NYC (despite the emotional roller coasters and love-hate
relationship I seem to have formed) I felt as if I were exactly where I was
supposed to be, doing what I should be doing. It's a great feeling; I was
really embracing the freedom of trusting the process, trusting my instincts,
trusting that I was living out the trajectory I am meant to be on. But I
suspect I became comfortable because there was a level of certainty even within
that uncertainty of "what's next": the expectation that I would
likely be staying in NYC for some time longer, that I would maintain all of the
new relationships I had formed, and carry on with my UN-centered life I had
shaped. But that all changed very quickly when my internship ended and I
(finally) submitted my thesis. I was finally faced with the beginning of the
next chapter of my life- it is kind of terrifying. Where to now? How can I
regain the trust and repose I felt while in college, in Costa Rica, or in NYC?
I am starting to worry, stress, look for answers, trying to grab hold of
something (even considering going back to San Diego…)- even when I know that’s
not going to provide me with any answers and only cause unnecessary anxiety. So
where to now? I am working on that; and I am making a conscious effort to have
an open mind and heart because I of all people know how mysteriously,
beautifully, serendipitously life can unfold.
I am sorry for leaving you, Pacific Ocean! |
An example: since April I had secured a summer camp
position teaching a politics course in DC with BluePrint Signature Summer Programs. I was set to leave June 29th: I sublet my room, packed up
and had plans to return to New York afterwards. Quite shockingly, a week before
I was supposed to take the bus to DC I received a call that I no longer had a
class to teach- and just like that all my ‘plans’ and life were tossed around.
Good thing I’ve gotten good at this “going with the flow” thing. Next thing I
know, I had a flight booked to LAX a week later for a similar position at UCLA,
meaning I got to spend an entire stress-free, vacation-esque week in New York,
including the Fourth. That was amazing! (Beach, beach, beach!) It also meant
that I got more than a week in San Diego after camp was over (beach, beach,
beach and so much FAMILY!). Everything worked out in such a way that it
couldn’t have been planned better. I couldn’t be happier with how my summer has
unfolded.
My BRILLIANT business students |
Hollywood Hike field trip |
Last night with my Takis :( |
SURPRISE. Happy 21st! <3 |
Even better: I was close to home! My family! In-n-Out!
Burritos. Acai Bowls. The BEACH. I had almost forgotten just how much I missed
California, especially the perfect weather, everything about San Diego, and my
family and friends. Needless to say, my ten-day San Diego vacation was
gloriously jam-packed- family, beach, taco Tuesday, lunches, boats, friendly
bouncers, more family, more beach… I was sad to leave. It is home.
So here I go… entering totally unknown territory.
Here’s to figuring it all out!
“If you are distressed by anything external, the
pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you
have the power to revoke at any moment” – Marcus Aurelius
“The Buddha taught that we suffer because we cling.
‘Clinging’ is defined as ‘holding on or pushing away’ which are the same thing.
Both require intense focus and energy”
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