Impermanence at its best.

Thanksgiving. Whaat? This means I have been living in New York for nearly a year. And I was supposed to come "just for six months." HA. Who would've thought?

Well it has been quite the adventure and after about 6 weeks of honing my cover letter-writing skills and searching my soul, things are finally starting to feel more...stable, again. Incidentally, when I let go of the anxiety and urgency to complete the mandatory next step in life (i.e. acquiring some high paying job that would be the genesis of an amazing career), life started to make sense again. In other words, I surrendered anew to the idea of groundlessness, impermanence. I stopped trying to impel my will onto the universe, took a deep breath, and just listened.

Maybe it's coincidence, maybe it isn't. All I know is that I'm in a good place again. I feel productive; I am learning more than I could have asked to; I am conscious of my personal and professional growth as it occurs. And I am grateful: Grateful to be in a place where I am surrounded by passionate, intelligent, do-gooders. Grateful that my remarkable family has supported me in figuring it out. And grateful to have friends to keep me from giving up and running away.

Of course, I am more or less back to my energizer-bunny ways, and I no longer have weekends. I am working part time as a tutor for kids taking entrance exams in NYC. They're mostly 4-7 year olds, and they're all AWESOME (mostly). I had forgotten how much I genuinely enjoy working with little kids and how they lift my mood so effortlessly. And then during normal working hours I work at The Relationship Foundation helping to grow it from startup to stable institution. My co-workers are the best and our days are mostly comprised of hilarity; it's truly wonderful to be in a place that is driven primarily by passion.

I find that I am most comfortable when surrounded by people who share my reality; people who want to shape and change the world. I found this at the University for Peace and loved every minute of it. Then I found a similar world at my UNDP internship. And now, because of this job with a nonprofit startup, I have immersed myself in the world of social innovation startups and have been spending my free time going to conferences, networking events, and professional workshops. I found another world to get lost in, and it rocks.

I've become aware from the past few months that everything is a cycle; we won't always be happy, and we won't always be sad. The important thing is understanding, accepting, and allowing ourselves to go through the cycles, otherwise we get stuck in one place and don't move forward. Through my reflection on everything, I've come to gain a greater appreciation for the impermanence that is (my) life and a deeper trust in myself. 

Now, to brave the winter once again (needless to say, I am dreading the glacial months ahead). Good thing I am going home for Christmas! (#road triiiiip). And good thing I've learned to deal with holiday stress so my vacation will be nothing less than AWESOME.

:)

"How's the job search going?"

I will be honest: I absolutely underestimated how difficult finding a job would be. It has been nothing short of an emotional roller-coaster of extremes; yet also an opportunity to refine my goals, articulate my skills and experience, and concretize what motivates and impassions me. Reflecting on the past couple months of my job search has revealed a cyclical pattern of emotions and mental states:

1.     -Determination-

I am well educated, have great experience, and so much passion I can hardly contain it. I KNOW I’ll find something meaningful and/or relevant, I just have to put in the time to polish my resume and write awesome cover letters. (This phase lasted me about 5 weeks).

2.     -Inspiration and strokes of brilliance-

At this point, my life is like a blank slate: the world is my oyster; I can do anything; I have the freedom to go anywhere; and the possibilities are seemingly endless, because I have so much life ahead that whatever industry I choose now has very little bearing on my future (career-wise). And ideation is on full throttle-especially when I’m trying to fall asleep- constantly tapping into the entrepreneurial mind, creating business ideas or solving problems.

3.     -Disillusionment-

Checking my email EVERY half hour, anxiously awaiting responses (good OR bad) from any of the 50 applications I sent this past month. Slowly realizing most of them won’t even read the cover letter I spent 2 hours perfecting, let alone write me an email. Beginning to question my own qualifications and wonder, “why doesn’t anybody want to hire me?”

4.     -Dejection-

That wave of overwhelmingness finally crashes and I feel like I’m drowning. I’m never going to find a job. I’m never going to pay off my school loans. The job market is awful, capitalism is heinous, and our education system has failed us. I want to curl up into a ball and give up trying to pursue my passions and aspirations of ‘making an impact’. Can I apply for unemployment yet? I may or may not have resorted to browsing Craigslist. But, I keep cooking with turmeric, reading The Onion, and somehow submit more applications.

5.     -Hope and Unbridled excitement-

Every time I see a new position advertised that I feel I would truly love to have, I experience an intoxicating enthusiasm and think is this what all this waiting and frustration has been about? The perfect job for me, which will launch my career, just hadn’t presented itself yet- until now! I should’ve been more patient, trusting, equanimous, GROUNDLESS. I proceed to spend 4 hours tailoring and perfecting my resume, cover letter, writing samples. All hope is restored and I start fantasizing about paying off my credit card and loans, buying a bigger bed, going on trips and vacations, having a savings account again!

6.    -Panic and desperation-

The high from unbridled excitement soon fades when I realize it was probably a far-fetched goal, anyway, and I won’t be hearing back at all. I skip disillusionment and free fall to panic. I’m moving back home tomorrow. Oh, I don’t have money for a plane ticket. I’ll apply for 10 incredibly random craigslist jobs and try not to sound overqualified. Hell, I’ll even work for FREE to get out of my apartment and try to gain some relevant, concrete skills while I play the Waiting Game. Can I give up now?

7.     -Newfound resolve-

No, giving up is not an option. Curling up and crying isn’t helpful. I suck it up and find a way to make some short-term money while I continue the job search. After all, I have applied to so many places recently that a few have to be contacting me soon with news, either good or bad (right?). Maybe even an interview?! I am getting better at narrowing the search and articulating my strengths. Even if it takes longer than planned, it’s not the end of the world. Isn’t there a saying about failure before success? I got this. And I’ve learned some valuable lessons, gained invaluable perspective and done some serious soul-searching that has been incredibly beneficial to my personal development. 

*Sprinkle anger and frustration throughout* (rinse and repeat)

Everyday is different, yet this cycle often repeats itself in miniature throughout my days. Frustration seems to be a constant, though. Frustration at the overall system and world we live in, or frustration at a particular job requirement; frustration at the lack of responses, at starting to feel idle, at running low on money; and mostly, frustration at how badly I WANT to put my education, passion to use yet can’t even get my foot in the door. ALL I need is the chance. The chance to rise to the occasion, to prove myself capable. In the words of a wise friend, I am HUNGRY for a job, a paycheck, stability. Amazingly, I am not frustrated or at all bothered by the incredible amount of uncertainty this job search has created. In fact, that’s one thing I revel in the most: the excitement of so many possibilities! 

“Don’t worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come? 

Doubt is uncomfortable, certainty is ridiculous” - Voltaire

Thoreau, the Waiting Game, and a Rant about Our Education System

I am going to be that person and say, “I can’t believe it’s already Halloween! When did that happen??” But seriously. I have now been in New York almost exactly 9 months and it has flown by; yet looking back it feels like I’ve been here forever. Funny how that works. Such is the quandary of an energizer bunny-esque lifestyle…

I divide my time here into two different phases: internship and post-internship. February-June I was essentially slaving away 10+hours a day and still managing to have a social life (I got very little sleep); August and onward my life has been the exact opposite! I have dedicated myself entirely to searching, researching and applying for jobs. But this also means I have a completely unstructured schedule and more flexibility in my free time (I get plenty of sleep these days!). I got to soak up the last bit of summer and have enjoyed the brisk beauty of the fall. =]

A consequence of this drastically different lifestyle is how much time I have to THINK. Analyze. Ponder. Soul-search. Self-reflect. I stay home all day, doing the job thing, applying like a madwoman (incidentally, I’ve gotten really good at writing kickass cover letters). So naturally, I spend most of my time with just me. I feel like Thoreau…in the city. But it has gotten to the point where my mind is going a million miles a minute, my head is spinning, and I can’t make it stop- I was awfully close to insomnia. Yet, I also have spurred this ideation that has led me to learn A LOT about different industries and possibilities, and may have planted the seed for my future plans… It is incredibly overwhelming at times (most days), although I am grateful to finally start piecing together all my knowledge and experiences. For once in my life, I feel ready to take the ‘next step’. Or the ‘real world’ (which has abruptly made its presence felt).

But for now, The Waiting Game. I have applied to a nearly unconscionable number of positions within the past 6 weeks; some I want with every ounce of my being, many I’m genuinely enlivened by, and others I would take for the experience (and, of course, the paycheck). I have not been particularly picky; I have cast the net wide in hopes of landing something meaningful, relevant, and that will contribute to my career aspirations (not that those are entirely clear…). What is positively frustrating, though, is how stagnant the economy still seems to be, ESPECIALLY for "recent graduates." But with so much competition, it is hard to articulate and convey exactly why my EDUCATION and internship experience is pertinent and efficient. Which brings me to my most recent disillusionment and unbridled frustration with our educational infrastructure and the piecemeal education reform discussion.

I won’t get into the philosophical discussion regarding what the purpose of education is, however I will posit that its objective is to enable individuals to make informed decisions in order to make a living and contribute to society. The problem is that “making a living” changes in meaning, but the education system has not adjusted accordingly. Maybe 50 years ago the education system fulfilled its objectives in a society where careers and industries were not as fluid, and choosing a major really did equate to choosing a career path. But today- more than ever-the need for collaboration, transfer and applicability of skills, and development of practical skills calls for a serious reform of an outdated system that no longer provides a majority of students with proper capabilities.

In fact, most “majors” do not provide much practical skills training at all, focusing too heavily on the theoretical aspects and ignoring the applicability of said knowledge. The system still functions from the perspective that studying a specific subject (your ‘major’) for 2-4 years is sufficient for a job in that field; that there is no other knowledge necessary for you to be prepared to enter the workforce. My biggest frustration is how egregiously limited (and theoretical) our secondary education is. Yes, one needs to have mastery in a specific field, but one also needs to be a well-rounded individual with a broad knowledge base and skill set (including soft skills). Critical thinking, emotional and social intelligence, financial/business knowledge, social impact awareness, effective communication, combined with a focus on practical applicability (through mentorship, substantive internships, meaningful classroom projects that relate and directly impact the outside world, etc.) is what a comprehensive education ought to look like. Instead, we have compartmentalized, excessively theory-based education with little focus on practicality, applicability, or soft skills development. 

But the system is currently producing incredibly educated (albeit not very well-rounded) individuals with untapped passion and knowledge in a specific field, yet very few actual practical skills; those are expected to be developed upon obtaining your “first job.” The nefarious twist is that due to the saturation of the market of highly qualified job seekers, experience is absolutely critical. Yet, the ‘millenials’ have not been given such training, nor have they been advised to obtain it themselves prior to graduating. And thus ensues the (unpaid) internship culture that further delays individuals from developing financially stable lives or meaningfully contributing to society (i.e. the fundamental goal of education). 

I personally would have liked to have been exposed to the infinite possibilities of INTERCONNECTEDNESS among fields of study, rather than pigeonholed into isolated disciplines.

Summer, Summer

Summer in New York

I have been frequently told that summertime in NYC is just the best- of course this city is not for the faint of heart, so unrelenting heat, humidity, and muggy thunderstorms are indubitably part of the ‘experience.’ Would you expect anything less from a city of extremes? In order to enjoy the evanescent exuberance, you have to suffer a little. Yes, the thunderstorms are aggravating, and I may have missed the nearly intolerable heat wave, and I might be one of few people who enjoy the humidity (it’s like being hugged by the earth!), but I found that summer in New York is absolutely pleasant! The summer months allow the city to be fully appreciated and savored; it’s as if summer is the sole reason for the existence of the innumerable parks, benches, views, water fountains, rooftops, and the activities that they enable.

Although I wasn’t in the city for a month of this warm loveliness, I still got my share of sunny (and sometimes rainy) summer activities: Shakespeare in the Park, free yoga in the park, concerts and movies under the Brooklyn Bridge, reading near the lake, jogging along the river, bar-hopping from absurd distances, riding bikes through Central Park at 1am, watching the sun set -from the water’s edge as well as from rooftop bars with awesome views, watching the sun rise from rooftops, going to the beach, walking the High Line, eating on restaurant patios, people watching from a bench in the evenings, eating lunch next to fountains, and just general frolicking throughout the city. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time in NYC but the summer experience has been especially phantasmagorical; I’m definitely not ready to let it go. 

While the balmy weather, picturesque parks, and ongoing events are reason enough to enjoy this time of the year, the overwhelming attendance of people at even the most obscure events gives it a little something extra; there’s a sense of community that I feel is lacking in other places. There is a seemingly universal desire to be outside and around other people- when there’s a free movie in the park, expect nearly all of Manhattan to be there. While this can be annoying due to space limitations, it’s also awesome for people to be so into different things. I also observed a few new things about New Yorkers:

·    

- They are REALLY good at sharing common spaces; most restaurants, bars, coffee shops, etc. have large communal tables rather than individual ones. Even small tables not meant to be shared have been offered to be shared. 

-  They judge less often (unless you’re in Meat Packing...); because public transportation is the main form of getting around, nobody knows where you are going/coming from and thus less inclined to judge how you look in that moment. At any given time on a train, someone is going to or coming from: work, the bars, a date, school, a wedding, the gym, church, an interview, grocery shopping, dancing, a marathon, a festival, a concert, etc. etc.

- They are very fond of rooftops; but who can blame them? 

Alas, autumn has begun settling in and the entire city will soon return to seeking refuge from the bitter cold and being slightly grumpier. I already can’t wait for an escape to somewhere tropical in the near future…! But thank goodness for football season ;)

Groundless?

...I'm working on it. 

Rooftop Fireworks, how New York. 

This notion of groundlessness is much harder to accept and embrace than it sounds (especially in personal relationships). The UN was an amazing experience from which I tremendously grew professionally and personally; it also gave me an excuse to move to NYC, which has been equally as incredible- it seems that things just keep falling into place. Throughout my time at UNDP and in NYC (despite the emotional roller coasters and love-hate relationship I seem to have formed) I felt as if I were exactly where I was supposed to be, doing what I should be doing. It's a great feeling; I was really embracing the freedom of trusting the process, trusting my instincts, trusting that I was living out the trajectory I am meant to be on. But I suspect I became comfortable because there was a level of certainty even within that uncertainty of "what's next": the expectation that I would likely be staying in NYC for some time longer, that I would maintain all of the new relationships I had formed, and carry on with my UN-centered life I had shaped. But that all changed very quickly when my internship ended and I (finally) submitted my thesis. I was finally faced with the beginning of the next chapter of my life- it is kind of terrifying. Where to now? How can I regain the trust and repose I felt while in college, in Costa Rica, or in NYC? I am starting to worry, stress, look for answers, trying to grab hold of something (even considering going back to San Diego…)- even when I know that’s not going to provide me with any answers and only cause unnecessary anxiety. So where to now? I am working on that; and I am making a conscious effort to have an open mind and heart because I of all people know how mysteriously, beautifully, serendipitously life can unfold.

I am sorry for leaving you, Pacific Ocean!

An example: since April I had secured a summer camp position teaching a politics course in DC with BluePrint Signature Summer Programs. I was set to leave June 29^th: I sublet my room, packed up and had plans to return to New York afterwards. Quite shockingly, a week before I was supposed to take the bus to DC I received a call that I no longer had a class to teach- and just like that all my ‘plans’ and life were tossed around. Good thing I’ve gotten good at this “going with the flow” thing. Next thing I know, I had a flight booked to LAX a week later for a similar position at UCLA, meaning I got to spend an entire stress-free, vacation-esque week in New York, including the Fourth. That was amazing! (Beach, beach, beach!) It also meant that I got more than a week in San Diego after camp was over (beach, beach, beach and so much FAMILY!). Everything worked out in such a way that it couldn’t have been planned better. I couldn’t be happier with how my summer has unfolded.

My BRILLIANT business students

         Camp was incredible. I never went to camps as a kid so being on the other side of it was pretty amazing. We had the best time EVER (for an idea of how ridiculously silly our team of 6 staff was, watch this video we made). The kids were brilliant and some of the sweetest, most awesome 16 and 17 year olds I have met. The Staff was an also an awesome group of people, I made some good memories with them outside of camp itself. Can I just say… TAKI MEOW!  SILLY STRING BEDCHECKS. SHARK ATTACKS. What an awesome three weeks. 

   

Hollywood Hike field trip

Last night with my Takis :(

SURPRISE. Happy 21st! <3

           

 Even better: I was close to home! My family! In-n-Out! Burritos. Acai Bowls. The BEACH. I had almost forgotten just how much I missed California, especially the perfect weather, everything about San Diego, and my family and friends. Needless to say, my ten-day San Diego vacation was gloriously jam-packed- family, beach, taco Tuesday, lunches, boats, friendly bouncers, more family, more beach… I was sad to leave. It is home. 

 Thankfully, I had a spectacular last day filled with typical San Diego things to tide me over until the next time (hint: began with Turquoise Coffee acai bowls, ended with In-n-Out, and had lots of pacific ocean in between). I got home at three am and left for the airport five minutes later, content to go back. I am excited to be back in NYC. This little California hiatus was extremely rejuvenating and I am confidently looking forward to whatever the next steps turn out to be! For now, I am just going to continue job-searching and applying like a madwoman, with the understanding and acceptance that whatever happens next is right where I am supposed to be. So blessed to have my family support me through this!

So here I go… entering totally unknown territory. Here’s to figuring it all out!

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment” – Marcus Aurelius

“The Buddha taught that we suffer because we cling. ‘Clinging’ is defined as ‘holding on or pushing away’ which are the same thing. Both require intense focus and energy”

Almost There...! (Where?)

NYC Warms Up! (or does it?)

In sunny San Diego, 'mild' is an understatement for most of our winters; I've definitely had multiple March beach days. Not New York! All of April could be accurately described as FRIGID. There were a couple of teaser sunny days but it was mostly still far too cold for my tropical blood. The winter was bearable because of heaters, but it turns out that after April 1st, landlords are no longer required to provide heat to apartments, so our heat was off. It was colder than 50 degrees outside, and probably 10 degrees less in my room. I felt like I was living in an icebox! I finally understood why some people are so grumpy: everyday I woke up dreading crawling out of my warm cocoon of a bed, getting out of my many layers of pajamas, and then showering in my seriously schizophrenic shower that illogically turns hot then cold then hot then cold again without warning. By the time I was ready to walk to the subway, I was GRUMPY and wanted nothing to do with anyone, yet I was obligated to be surrounded by too many people.

I also learned how seriously I am affected by the weather. A glimpse of warmth and my energy levels shot up, but the minute it dropped, again I was unhappy. I felt like I would go crazy if the sun didn't come out- and stay out for good. Maybe it was that I was severely deficient in Vitamin D, maybe I was just homesick, but either way it was wearing down on me and I started to feel gloomy more often than not. It was a combination of working two jobs, lack of adequate sleep, homesickness, compounded by the chilly weather...but then my parents came to visit! They came for a week to see me as well as celebrate their 25th anniversary. Luckily, the weather was mostly beautiful for them- they seemed to have gloriously brought a semblance of San Diego sunshine with them (in addition to the suitcase full of margarita makings, avocados, chips, and salsa so that I "wouldn't forget San Diego")! Of course, the day after they left it started pouring. Their trip was great, we spent time together, went to many dinners (a break from all the cooking I've been doing!), walked the city, saw some sights- it was a much needed rejuvenating week (I worked half-days at the UN for that week).

 May and Spring time

When I was moving to New York, I kept getting told "the greatest city in the world", now that warmer days are ahead, the iteration is "spring and summer in the City is AMAZING- you're going to love it". I've learned that these are never just understatements. SO much more goes on in the city when people can enjoy being outdoors- concerts, plays, parties, art shows, music and movies in the parks, etc. etc. By this point my internship is a little past the halfway mark and I am feeling exhausted and a little overwhelmed by the craziness of the city- I seriously need a vacation, some beach time, and a little peace and quiet. Luckily, Brit and Sophia invited me to join them and a group of friends to a relaxing weekend in Virginia Beach. I could hardly contain my excitement- I started the countdown to Friday on Sunday night! I took Thursday-Monday off and left early Thursday morning for DC where I spent the day and night, and off we went Friday morning. A four-hour drive later, we arrived at a beautiful 3-story house right on the beach where the ten of us would be staying. ALL we did was lay on the beach reading, played volleyball, cooked massive amounts of food while drinking wine and dancing to mellow tunes (think Buenavista Social Club, Jack Johnson, Waxie) and decompressed. It was really an incredible weekend with some amazing people. But lo and behold I had to make my way back to my crazy NYC life and I was thrust back into the stress abruptly- traffic, packed buses, and missing work Monday night. I was even more overwhelmed having just been in an opposite state of mind- the contrast was almost too much.

After living in the city for a few months and leaving for a weekend, I realized some things that I miss, and some things that I love about my experience in NYC.

I miss:
- Sunshine and sunsets and the beach
- My car
- The ability to find peace and QUIET
-  Fewer crowds
- Low-stress environments

Things I love about NY:
- Fun and lively; always something to do, somewhere to go
- Convenient, 24-hour transportation (no DUI checkpoints!)
- The ability to walk almost anywhere
- Greenest city per capita- you appreciate nature more just by the sheer contrast of the city: the birds sing sweeter, the flowers bloom lovelier, the sunshine warms you warmer...
- I read much more (a book every couple of weeks!)
- Lots of interesting people (especially UN interns!)- I have met some truly spectacular people and made some close friends

May continued to be crazy busy as I started going to dance classes at Piel Canela Dance Studios. I took a few weeks of Rueda, Tango, and Belly dance, which was so fun and challenging. At the end of May, Chris made a last-minute trip to New York and Baltimore! My second visitor- it was interesting seeing the City through new eyes, and seeing my life here from a fresh perspective. I realized that I've settled in, and while I may have a love/hate relationship with this place, I know it better than I thought and have grown to love it. It was a great two weeks of good food, good talks, plays, and photography. And then it was June and we had to say goodbye...


How Did That Happen So Fast?

June- the last month of my internship. Time really flew by, but at the same time I feel like I have been living in NYC for far longer than five months. It makes me think back to a 'theory' about time that I read in a book (Moonwalking with Einstein): if we do more memorable things in our days, weeks, months, it stretches our perception of TIME, making it feel like we have lived longer, fuller lives. The idea is that when we just go through the motions, the daily grind of routine, everything blurs together and suddenly a month or year has gone by and we hardly remember what we did or how we lived. I sometimes allow that to happen, especially when you've been in the same place for a while, but being in a new city, surrounded by new people has made every single one of my days extremely long but also awesome, making my five months feel twice as long. I'm okay with that. But I am on the verge of getting burnt out from trying to do everything all the time- I don't want to live to work, I want to work to live, so I sacrifice sleep (and maybe some productivity) to ensure my days are not consumed by only work. With two jobs, this is a hard balance to achieve but I'm working it out. I wonder if this is a prominent mentality here, making everyone always crazy and stressed workaholics but also making it a sleepless city- the need to work hard but also play hard. Of course, there is the other argument from another book (No Impact Man) that says our consumer culture makes us work so hard only so we can afford more and more material things, in a vicious cycle of working endlessly. While this is also very true, especially in a metropolitan city, I am working hard to shape my trajectory and my future career path, not buy shiny new things. And my idea of 'playing hard' is experience-based, as long as I'm surrounded by good people I don't mind what we do. But I digress.

My sisters came to visit- third visitors!- last week for a 'sister trip'. It was great timing (although it was rainy about half the time) and it was a lot of fun. I did and saw so many tourist things that I hadn't gotten around to and we had a great time. Again, it helped to reaffirm that I really do like it here and could stay for  just a little longer. It was also good timing, seeing as how I've been feeling overwhelmed, because my family has a way of restoring my sanity- especially my sisters :)


Groundlessness

Well, I now have ONE week left at my internship, 2 weeks left at my teaching job, and about a million loose ends to tie together- basically I have an extraordinary amount of work and very little time. But I will get it done somehow... and once I emerge from the whirlwind of finalizing NYC responsibilities, off to DC I go for a few weeks! I'll be teaching a Politics in Action course to high school students at a pre-college summer camp at George Washington University. My internship experience was great, I met so many awesome people, gained new knowledge, and learned more about myself. I would say it was a successful experience, and it has reaffirmed my passion for an international, diverse, LIFE. I also decided that i don't want to try and change the world; I would rather SHAPE it.

So in one month, I will be full-time looking for jobs and my life will once again be totally up in the air. But I am okay with that. I recently came across the Buddhist principle of 'groundlessness' (mentioned in the book No Impact Man) and it really resonated with me. It essentially says that we are constantly scrambling and attempting to grab hold of something, set parameters, to have a solid foundation of knowing and certainty- to ground ourselves- but it is futile because none of it matters.The necessity we feel to know everything and have a sense of certainty oftentimes creates a lot of stress, anxiety, and unhappiness. The key to remove this kind of negativity from our lives is to become accepting of groundlessness- of openness, uncertainty, of floating and being in a constant state of flux. I combined this with the idea in The Alchemist that we all have a path and we are guided by the Universe. In order to allow ourselves to be guided, to truly discover where we are supposed to be going, we need to step into a state of groundlessness. I feel that I have lived like this, to an extent, which has led to the serendipitous events that brought me to where I am now. I am content floating (as long as it is floating with the goal of evolving, learning and growing as opposed to remaining static), and now am making a concerted effort to be fully groundless in all I do because all I know is that I really don't know anything (especially not what the future holds).

A Poem:

A constant state of flux

   unknowing

   uncertain

Blissful ebb and flow

   floating

We are ephemeral

Serene detachment

I am GROUNDLESS

(but not lost)

The Universe guides. 

Almost at the 3 month mark!

APRIL 2013

Settled In

It has been nearly three months since I arrived in New York, but it feels like I have been here much longer- probably because of how busy my days are. I am having an amazing time, and really starting to fall in love with the city; it’s just such a fun and lively place! From my experiences living in Spain, Costa Rica, and now New York, I have learned that the first month is always kind of rough but soon after I am completely comfortable. Of course I really, really miss my San Diego life, especially my family and friends (also Mexican food, the beach, the peace and quiet…) but it is good to know that I am adaptable and capable of learning to live in very different places, and still be okay and happy! After 6 weeks, I was totally settled into my internship, I got a part time job teaching ESL in the evenings, bought a monthly gym membership, and got myself an unlimited metro card (I should have done that from the beginning) since I’m always on the go. I have so much going on that 16-20 hour days are not as uncommon as they should be! But I have rarely ever had much free time- go, go, go is kind of my modus operandi. Truthfully, I am enjoying my time here much more than I had expected to, so much so that the idea of staying here an indefinite amount of time isn’t all that scary (or unrealistic)… which is funny, seeing how hard it was for me to leave San Diego.

UN interns at the MDGs 1000 Days Campaign press release

My favorite colleagues :)

Through New Eyes

The beauty of staying somewhere for an extended period of time is that we get to see things as they really are, beyond what our initial perceptions were. Or maybe we just learn to appreciate things for what they are. My first few weeks here I was overwhelmed by the rush, the noise, the crowds, the cold, and I got frustrated- I didn’t understand why everyone was always raving about “the Big Apple” when things were so inconveniently convenient (or conveniently inconvenient). While I’ve mostly gotten a handle on the pace of the City I still frequently get overwhelmed (especially the noise outside my window, or when I’m teaching and trying to think, or when I’m on the phone walking down the street…), only now I understand better.

For example, I was initially confused by the constant rush-“why? There is another train right behind!” Except that’s almost never true. In fact, even the trains run late due to train traffic (who knew that was a real thing?) or they change the schedule completely, or it only runs every 15 minutes after a certain time. And if you are running late, having to wait those extra 2, 5, or even 8 minutes could REALLY make you late. So you run to the subway. You run down the three escalators. And you run onto the train, barely sneaking past the closing doors. It’s exhausting, but with how busy I am (and very likely everyone else, too) it’s hard to not be running late (literally).

I also found out that when you have more time to really explore, you find little niches of awesomeness, like the teeny grocery store a block from my house that is full of fresh deliciousness. The way it’s organized really makes no sense and the cashiers aren’t the friendliest (I have yet to experience exemplary customer service at a non-upscale restaurant) and its not the least expensive place, but its quality and convenience so I go there in between my Fairway trips. Sometimes TOO often, and I have to stop myself. Like I said before, having a fully stocked fridge is happiness! And our fridge is often too full to put more things in- a ‘problem’ we’re thankful to have.

Right before my birthday, I told my roommate how I felt that my partying days were somewhat over. And then my roommate and cousin showed me how to do it up in NYC on my birthday…I haven’t

stopped going out and partying since then (that’s actually not an exaggeration). Oops? However, I did have one weekend where I stayed in, cleaned, read, watched hours of ‘Shameless’, and just had some ME time. That’s when I realized that while the City is fun, crazy, wild, exciting, everyone needs a break. And New Yorkers are not actually ALWAYS out; people have lots of nights in, too! Good to know, but that hasn’t stopped me, or changed my ways. There is too much to do and see and DANCE! (salsa every night of the week…and I’ve made a great friend who loves it more than I do. Trouble!)

New Yorkers get a bad rep for being rude/mean/angry etc. but I have actually encountered very few grouchy people. People aren’t as chatty or outwardly friendly as in many other places, but keeping to yourself doesn’t equate to being a rude, insensitive person. Like I said, I go out often and I meet tons of people (including other interns, and other colleagues from NYLC where I teach) and there are so many interesting people with awesome stories (also, lots of uninteresting people). Once I started feeling comfortable here, I felt that I had a new energy about me and it was shining through in all my interactions; even bar conversations have been ridiculously intense/serious/academic, far from the normal small-talk. I enjoy it, though; it keeps life interesting, and who likes normal bar conversations anyway? Not I.

One really great thing I am enjoying about NYC is all the transit time I have to READ. I have read/finished reading 3 books now, and it makes me so happy to read frequently again. I had almost forgotten how much of an escape reading is for me, and its great to use that time meaningfully. So although I miss driving so much, and the crazy subways and crowds and emotional rollercoasters they cause me are frustrating, I can always delve into a book. That’s not something you can do while sitting in traffic when you’re the driver (well, I’ve actually seen people do it in LA traffic, but it is terrifyingly dangerous!)

My office partner in crime <3

All in all, I’m happy and thankful to be here, even with my full-time internship, part-time teaching job, gym and socializing that keep me going nearly 24/7. I have made some great new friends, reconnected with old ones, and am having too much fun. This is life. And I am sure living it to the fullest- in the Greatest City in the World.  

From the High Line park

The Reason I'm Here

The Reason I’m Here

New York is a great place; I can see why so many people love it. In fact, a month into my life here and I’m starting to really like it. However, I didn’t just move to NYC for the adventure. I came here with a specific purpose: to complete a 5-month internship with the United Nations Development Program (UNDP) that will hopefully teach me things, give me relevant work experience, and look great on my resume so I can finally find a job and kick start my career. I want my line of work to be internationally focused, be empowering to others and myself, and hopefully make even the tiniest difference in any field (gender, democracy, Latin America, development, peace, education, IDP, refugees…). So I am here, ready to learn and anxious to see where this will lead me next.

The UN has a mixed reputation, to say the least, but I find it to be an organization that, at its very essence, is trying to make the world a bit less chaotic through international cooperation/coordination. True, it is a lot of talking, diplomacy, bureaucracy, and its efficiency/effectiveness has been questioned. Yet, it encompasses the whole world -in one building -and allows for discussion and negotiation. That is pretty amazing to me. Many  (read: USA) see it as a “world government” trying to impose on sovereignty, or an “old boys club” but I disagree. For better or worse, the UN is not any kind of government at all; it simply attempts to facilitate and reach agreement on how to deal with global problems so large and pervasive that we (governments, communities, individuals) are all affected by, but cannot tackle alone: It’s not possible to mitigate climate change if one country is completely ‘green’ but others are burning fossil fuels like there’s no tomorrow; or end the HIV/AIDS epidemic if one country doesn’t have the resources to educate, raise awareness, and treat, but another does; or limit and regulate the trading of weapons if one country alone can covertly supply thousands of violent insurgencies; or even stop narco-trafficking, human trafficking, violence against women, etc. Virtually nothing can be accomplished unilaterally, thus an organization like the UN is necessary to coordinate dialogue and sharing of ideas to find solutions grounded in coordinated cooperation. What I’m saying is, it would awesome to work here!

So, the paragraph above really has nothing to do with what I’m doing, other than the fact that UNDP is a UN agency, and that I get to be a part of a huge organization that I have been studying for years; it is exciting and a little surreal. My job as an intern is to support the UNDP Gender Team. UNDP is the official United Nations “development” agency; meaning they work to reduce poverty, and help the ‘developing world’, well, develop. The  Gender Team is in charge of ensuring a gender perspective is incorporated into all UNDP programs and policies, and I am there to ‘support’ the gender team’s work, specifically in the areas of ‘democratic governance’ and ‘crisis prevention and recovery’. My supervisor does all sorts of things related to publications, giving talks and presentations, editing/reviewing documents, etc. and I help her do all that. So basically I read and read and read; then I edit, analyze, and summarize. And occasionally attend a meeting and discuss.

I am learning a great deal about development, gender and women’s issues, and how large agencies function; but mostly I am learning how much I do not know. Most days I am inspired and motivated to keep supporting the work that will hopefully lead to greater gender equity and a reduction or elimination of violence against women, but other days the rabbit hole seemingly goes on forever and I get a feeling of helplessness, like nothing I do will actually matter. This is yet another emotional rollercoaster I experience on the regular.

The majority of the time, however, I am inspired to be working in gender. I am an empowered woman blessed to have been born into a place and family where I am valued and have not encountered obstacles. Consequently, however, I am so far removed from the realities of the severity and poignancy of gender inequality that it is nearly impossible to understand, let alone relate to. It is because of this, though, that I feel so strongly about wanting to make a difference, a positive contribution. I have had every opportunity to become educated, to become empowered (thanks to my amazing parents and family support) and I believe all should have those opportunities; thus I ought to do what I can in order to facilitate that.

The awareness of how little I actually knew about the state of gender inequality in the world helped me realize how little everyone else must also know, and how this tremendous lack of knowledge truly contributes to the perpetuation of such inequalities, whether subtle or egregious. Across the developing world, girls are killed at birth because they are less valuable; if they make it through infancy they are likely not given education, are subject to physical and sexual abuse, and forced to carry all household responsibilities, many of which place them in greater danger (rape, kidnapping, physical violence when going 3 hours into town to get water, for example); many are forced to marry at unreasonably young ages, and become the property of the husband and family in law; girls who manage to receive an education are often subject to sexual abuse in order to acquire school supplies or books; they are allowed to be beaten, or worse, by their husbands and other men for disobeying or dishonoring the family; and the list continues. These are not isolated incidents used to exaggerate the severity, this is what a large proportion of women and girls live everyday. Everyday. Only by virtue of being born a GIRL.

We live in a patriarchal society where men are at the forefront of everything, all decision-making, all places of power, and women are considered subordinate. What’s worse is that it is so socially accepted that we don’t even realize it, and we even perpetuate the harmful stereotypes (jokes, tv, magazines, movies, etc.). I thought I lived in a fairly equal society, but if you take a good look, where are the women in politics? Why do women still earn significantly less than men? Why are there fewer women CEOs?  There is a multiplicity of answers to these questions, but the fundamental answer is that women are born into a disadvantaged place in society and it is nearly impossible to undo it; at least not without achieving a level of awareness persuasive enough to foment a fundamental change.

It is complicated, convoluted, and at times seemingly futile, but with a heightened awareness of these issues, it is impossible for me not to work towards change. UNDP has a large array of programs dedicated to empowering women, changing societal attitudes, raising awareness, and responding to victims’ needs; I am happy to be a part of such an ambitious organization. I would love to continue this work with UNDP or any of the large number of other organizations focusing on women’s empowerment and gender equity. 

Like I said, I don’t know where this will lead to next, but I am enjoying the journey (and the adventure, of course). Hopefully I can pass on my knowledge to those around me and create a tiny ripple effect of change...